


Phan Funeral Meet-Cute

by bogdaddy_owns_my_ass



Category: Phandom
Genre: 2009 Era (Phandom), Anal Sex, Boys In Love, Dorks in Love, Falling In Love, Forbidden Love, Friendship/Love, Gay Sex, Love, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, Love at First Sight, Love/Hate, M/M, Meet-Cute, Multi, Necrophilia, Oral Sex, Other, Phan - Freeform, Phan Week, Public Sex, Rough Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Semi-Public Sex, Sex, Sex Toys, Threesome, True Love, Vaginal Sex, Wakes & Funerals, munging, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:48:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25272691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bogdaddy_owns_my_ass/pseuds/bogdaddy_owns_my_ass
Summary: Dan Howell meets a tall, mysterious man at the funeral of a dear friend of his who had died under mysterious circumstances.  What Dan doesn't know is that this man is who he is destined to be with for all eternity.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester/Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	1. The meeting

**Author's Note:**

> Hi sisters of the phandom! went to my uncle's funeral this week and was inspired to write this little story. shared the idea with my bestie and she totally loved it and agreed to collab with me! We worked really hard on this so we hope you all enjoy reading it :))

It was a dark and stormy night on y/n’s funeral. Clouds circled above the funeral home centered in the middle of London, a dark juxtaposition to the rest of the bustling, lively town. The mourners slowly trickled in about a half hour before the scheduled start time. Many of them, close friends and family members, dabbed at tears with hankies, heartbroken over the loss of y/n. Dan, dressed in black from head to toe, walked sheepishly in and placed his supple firm buttocks on the hard funeral parlor chairs. He noticed as Phil sauntered in, black suit matching his black dyed hair, he had an air of somberness about him but he still had such fierce confidence in the way he walked. Their eyes met for a split second, there was a smoldering fire behind Phils eyes that made Dan blush profusely at this handsome stranger and turn away. Phil sat down a few seats across from Dan and Dan felt a rush of excitement. It seemed wrong to be this into someone at y/n’s funeral, someone he had not even met nonetheless, but he couldn't help his burning desires. The funeral began, with the priest(?) stepping up to the alter to speak, “long story short, today we are gathered here to return y/n into jesus’s arms,” he began.  
As he spoke, the mourners choked back sobs and wiped their eyes, grieving the great loss of y/n. Dan, however, could not keep his eyes off of phil, peering at him from behind. The funeral cryer they hired for the funeral of y/n couldn't contain himself, bahamian hollering, he burst forward and picked up y/n’s lifeless body, taking dan’s attention away from phil’s slender form momentarily. He clutched it to his chest and bellowed “ WHY GOD WHY”. Eventually the amount of time he was paid for to do this scene ran out and he shuffled back to his seat, meaning dan could bring his focus back to phil, who intently watched the funeral, but did not cry himself, keeping up a stoic facial expression. Dan observed his strong, chiseled features, sitting firmly upright in the pew. Eventually, after several family members had spoken of y/n up at the alter, the funeral came to a close, with the vast majority of the guests taking their exit. Only y/n’s nuclear family remained, along with phil, which meant dan was also staying behind to find out more about this ethereal beauty. Y/n’s corpse was stiff, but so was Dans cock throughout most the service. Standing up he tried to conceal his raging boner, he had a fairly small penis so it was relatively easy. He hesitantly strolled up to phil. “So, how did you meet y/n?” dan asked.m  
Phil sighed, “y/n was my ex.”  
Dan gasped, “no way! y/n was also my ex.”  
“Oh dear, this is a little awkward” phil started, “so you know how wild y/n was in bed. Shitty personality, but i had to mourn that pussy( or boypussy).”  
“Oh my, i didnt think y/n was so bad. But, i wouldn’t know about the pussy (or boypussy)... you see, I’m a bottom,” dan hesitated, “but i can tell you that y/n was really good at filling my tight hole.”  
Phil licked his lips and looked around the room, noticing the rest of the family had left  
“You have a pretty tight boyhole you say?” phil asked britishly.  
“The tightest,and i need a big fat dick to stretch it out” dan said seductively. “You know, i may remember a time when y/n mentioned an ex of theirs with an absolute donkey.” he wetted his lips  
“Well daddy is bloody horny for some musky boypussy right now, funerals always absolutely turn me the fuck on.”  
Dan looked down and noticed the massive tent in Phils pants, a pants button flew off under the pressure of his erection and landed halfway across the room, under the casket. “Say phil,”dan began, “why didn’t the paul bearers take the casket away?“  
“I don't know” he said “ but im glad they didn't, because theres always been something ive dreamed about when i jack 12 inch cock off”  
“Whats that” Dan said, saliva dripping from his now gaping mouth  
“Fucking a pretty british twink on top of a rotting putrid corpse. And i wouldnt mind getting one last taste of y/n’s pussy (or boypussy) while i’m at it.”


	2. Getting Down to Business

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil get to know each other better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> get ready for a long chapter my babies ;p

Dan let out a small moan and he felt the pink head of his feminine small dick push against his black funeral trousers. Precum leaked into the lining of his lacy red panties that he wore underneath. He wanted Phil to rip his pants clean off and needily tug the red lace victorias secret panties off with his off white, crooked british teeth.   
Phil slowly closed the gap between he and phil, then grabbed Dans hand and pulled him towards y/n’s casket.   
“Your hands are so small and cute, but youre going to have to use both to satisfy my monster pecker,” phil purred.  
Dan couldn't wait to wrap his european paws around Phils rod of terror. Phil hoisted himself onto the open coffin and ripped away the cloth covering his burning mighty loins, his throbbing member pointed directly up at Dan, his bare ass rested right on y/n’s face, y/n’s nose lightly penetrating his warm hole.   
“Go ahead, suck it whore” Paul commanded  
Dan’s knees buckled from under him and his mouth worshipped his member automatically as if he had been brainwashed by the magic rod. He slid his head as far down the shaft as it could go, choking and gagging on the massive johnson, making wet gurgly moans of discomfort and excitement. He bobbed up and down trying not to activate his gag reflex any further, but Phil grabbed his head and forced it farther down, nearly making dan throw up.  
“Im not going to go easy on you slut” Phil  
Dan was too aroused, he unzipped his pants and started stroking his pitifully small dick. “HEY,”phil barked, “you can’t touch yourself without my permission. Y/n had no problem obeying daddy, so you shouldn’t either, cum dumpster. Speaking of y/n, I remember something I always fantasized.” He slowly slid the dress of y/n’s corpse and then plunged two fingers into y/n’s cold clammy pussy (or boypussy.) He moaned in pleasure and his cock twitched in Dan’s mouth.  
Dan felt the tension in his whole body and knew Phil was ready to erupt, he bobbed his emo haired head up and down as fast as he could, ready to collect his dinner, until Phil blew his massive load of thick white cummies into his mouth  
“ Swallow it all fucktoy,” phul ordered   
“I wouldn’t dream of letting it go to waste,” daN said, as nearly all of the cum had already vanished down his throat, save for a drop rolling down his chin.  
“Good boy, maybe daddy will give you a treat now you pathetic whore” Dan felt his boyhole clench in anticipation of the thick treat that was about to go inside it. Phil picked Dans skinny sticklike body up and slammed him down on y/n’s corpse, a rib could be heard cracking as he spread Dans thin womanly legs apart. Phil salivated at the sight of Dan’s bulging boyhole. Phil was already rock hard again, going against the grain of the average man’s need for a cooldown period. He placed the tip of his obscenely gargantuan shaft against Dan’s tender love abyss.   
Dan moaned and begged under his breath “..fuck me daddy… i need you now… harder… please” his moans became load and incoherent, “UGH--- NNNGGH DADDY YAAASSS RIGHT THERE UUNNNG,” he shouted out in pleasure.  
“Quiet down, cock hungry bitch, the workers in the morgue might hear us and come take y/n’s body away,” phil barked, riding y/n’s prominent nose. He sat up from y/n and lifted dan up, then flipped Dan around doggy style, bending him over and shoving his face into the cunt (or c0ck) of y/n and started violently thrusting into him “ there, that oughta silence you, insolent cumwhore”   
He noticed the firm, juicy buttocks Dan had and gave the right one a hearty spanking before taking both globes into his large hands and giving them a viscous vice-like squeeze Dan let out yelped but it was muffled by the freezing, waxy wet pussy/erect cock of y/n. Something came over him and he started lapping at the corpses genitals, it turned him on so much to do so and his miniscule shrimp cocktail weenie grew 2x its normal size, as he was a grower not a shower ( it was still only 5 incests after being doubled tho)> Phil noticed and started to milk his cock like a cow's udder. Dan moaned, he was Phils dirty little barnyard slutpig whore. He started squealing like a pig and he knew this turned Phil on because he felt his cock tense up and bulge harder in his ass. Phil was sweating profusely and getting close to another eruption of his sweet sticky luscious love fluid.  
Phil leaned in close to Dans ear” listen whore Im going to blow every last drop of sperm i have in your ass right now and you're gonna like it” Phil couldn't contain himself and screamed “ YAAAS DADDDY YYYYY I WANT IT SO BAD FILL ME UP LIKE THE DIRTY PIG I AM” His anus clenched the tense cock and he exploded. Dan’s eyes rolled back in his head as he felt the thick gloppy sperm enter into him.  
Phil pulled out panting and moaning, he noticed Dans still erect shrimp peen. “ I want to watch you jack that pathetic thing off” He commanded “ do it now pig”. Dan still in a haze from earlier started stroking, it wasn't even conscious, he was fully under daddy phil’s spell.  
“ and eat out/suck off y/n while you do it”


	3. Getting Familiar with Y/N

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil add Y/N to their festivities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> get ready to join in on the fun yourself :D

Dan immediately obliged, moving his warm dripping tongue all over the frigid pale flesh.  
Phil made fun of him and laughed, pointing at him he would say “look at this pathetic pig, he has my seed dripping out of his ass and he's tonguefucking a corpse at my command”  
It was too much for Dan and he blew his pitiful small amount of cum on y/n’s cold chicken skin thighs. “Lick it off y/n, your cum doesn't even belong on a corpse you pathetic mongrel” Dan lapped up his own warm seed and felt filthy and embarrassed, but it just made the lust within him burn harder, he knew he wanted to fuck Phil just like this as many times as he could. For today it seemed like they were done through, when he looked up from Y/n’s now clean saliva covered legs he saw Phil was already getting dressed and so he followed suit, hoping that he would see Phil without those clothes in the near future.

As they walked towards the exit, Dan could still taste y/n’s post-mortem secretions on his tongue. “I get what you meant before about y/n having a scrummy pussy (or boypussy). It was quite tasty, I must admit, but I bet that my freshly squeezed boyhole is scrummier,” dan said cockily.  
“I guess I’ll just have to taste both to find out which flavor is better. I am something of a pussy connoisseur you know?” phil smirked. Dan had a hard time containing his glee that he was this close to being used again. Phil glanced down to y/n’s genitals. “Fuck, it looks like you sucked out all the juice. Daddy’s really gonna have to punish you for this one,” phil snapped, raising a fist, ready to hit dan across the face.  
“Wait daddy!” dan exclaimed fearfully. “Theres another way!”  
“You have thirty seconds to explain this ‘other way’ to the divine pussy nectar or else i’ll see you lowered into the bloody grave with y/n,” Phil hissed.  
“It’s called munging,” Dan began,” basically,we lower y/n onto the ground, you position your mouth on y/n’s sweet, dead pussy, and finally, I jump from the casket and onto y/n’s stomach, making their delicious juices squirt out into your mouth.”  
Phil licked his lips, “help me lower y/n out of the casket.” The boys picked up y/n, Dan picking up their shoulders and phil picking up their ankles, but on the way down dan lost his grip, making the upper half of the body crash down and thud upon the wooden floor of the funeral home, their neck snapping into an unnaturally twisted position.  
“Y/N! DADDY! I’m so sorry!” dan shouted, out of fear of punishment from his new master.  
“Calm down, pig. Y/n was already dead, you aren’t making them any deader,” Phil said casually and coldly. “NOW GET IN POSITION,” he snapped, making dan yelp and scamper up into his position of standing atop the casket. Phil knelt his head down, mouth open around y/n’s pussy and asshole. “NOW,” he barked. Dan promptly elbow-dropped onto y/n’s midsection. The body made a sickeningly squishing, wet noise as fluids were forced out of the lower orfaces and into phil’s waiting mouth. Not only did cum squirt out, but also piss, perhaps a little blood and watery shit that remained in y/n’s organs post-malone. Phil swallowed the homemade blend eagerly and licked his lips. “Mmm, daddy likes his chocolate. Almost tastes as good as sunbrewed 3 week old Jenkum smells,” He mused  
“I’m glad you liked it Daddy,” dan purred like a slutty kitten, then he yawned.  
“YYou Better not be getting tired on daddy now,” phil said annoyed. “Because it’s your turn next.” he promptly shoved y/n’s corpse aside, which was now useless to him as it was empty of precious sex juices, then bear crawled towards dan. He grabbed the younger male and whipped him around, slamming his face down and yanking his arse up into the air towards his own mouth. He marveled as he watched delicious truffle butter, a blend of shit and cum, trickle slowly from dan’s ass and down his thighs, along with blood from being fucked so hard without any proper lube. Without warning, phil dove in, lapping up the delicious substances much like a dog with spilled ice cream. “Oh baby, you taste so delicious, so flavorful and scrummy just for daddy.”

Dan softly cried as his abused hole was aggressively licked and bitten at, but kept his face down so phil wouldn’t punish him for his tears. Finally, when dan’s butthole was all cleaned up inside and out, phil stood up and tossed dan his clothes. Dan tried to pull his pants back on but he could hardly move his legs, let alone stand up. “Phil,” dan pleaded hoarsely, “can you help me get dressed please.”


	4. Dan in Danger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan starts to wonder if Phil truly loves him, or if he has alterior motives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little warning, sisters, this chapter gets a little bit dark and could be triggering to some readers, but you can skip this chapter and not miss too much of the plot.

At this moment, Dan knew he had to fight back, lest he want to be a sex slave for life. He turned around and latched onto the leash with his surprisingly sharp teeth, gnawing on it trying to cut it off of him. He managed to thin the leash out just enough that with a sharp yank of his head he was free. He got up on two legs and began sprinting away, cock flailing in the breeze, to the office of the funeral chapel in search of a worker to protect him. Phil panicked and yelled, “Dan wait! Please! I was just pranking you! It was just a joke! The camera is right there,” he pointed to the security camera, “don't you like pranks? It’s just comedy, it’s fucking funny, you pussy ass normie. The joke just flew right past you, went right over your head. You gotta be quicker than that.”  
Dan’s jaw nearly hit the floor in disbelief. “You can’t be serious right now. This is made.”  
“I just fucking said i’m not serious you bloody mentally deranged imbecile.” phil rolled his eyes incredulously. “Now will you come back? Please?” he added in a gentler tone.  
Dan’s mind told him to say no, but his cock forced him to say yes. He ran back to phil in slow motion and lept into his loving arms. The two men shared a long, passionate kiss as they reunited and it felt so good.


	5. The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil's story comes to a bittersweet ending.

At this point, the funeral cryer from earlier wandered in, no one had paid him in full from earlier and he was looking for anyone to fulfill the debt. “ hey ive got a fucking life too” he shouted at a mostly empty room. Then in the front he sees the two sweaty young men standing near a dilapidated coffin and y/n’s mangled naked corpse. “ WHAT THE FUCK!?” the funeral cryer screams, he then vomits leaving chunky piquant nuggets of stomach acid and the morning's breakfast on the ground before running out of the parlor. Dan and Phil glance at each other, both knowing what they truly desired at that moment. They both rushed forward and dropped to all fours. They lapped at the greenish bile on the ground, relishing its magnificent taste and fully experiencing the burn of the stomach acid. Dan gleefully giggled as he swallowed his mushy regurgitated bite of an egg mcGriddle, “ i guess we share some common interests besides necrophilia huh Daddy?”   
Phil replied with his mouth dripping in vomit. “Seems like it kitten, it’s so hard to find a fellow regurgitation fetishist”. Their eyes locked and they both leaned in. They shared a tender kiss, the stomach bile slightly singeing their soft lips. They fell into it, making out while rolling into the vomit. At this moment the police officers that the funeral cryer had called arrived and saw the two men, covered in vomit, rolling around clutching each other and passionately kissing. Without hesitation the police emptied their entire clips into Dan and Phil. They died curled together, surrounded in a puddle of piss, sweat, cum, shit, blood and vomit. It was the best end they could have ever imagined. Pretty convenient they were already at a funeral home, amirite mates?

**Author's Note:**

> HI SISTERS!!!!!!!!!!!! ME AND MY BESTIE ARE DIE HARD DAN AND PHIL STANS 4LYF XD AND ONE NIGHT WE REALLY GOT OUT OF OUR FUCKING MINDS HORNY AND WROTE THIS CUTE LITTLE FANFIC FOR ALL OF YOU OTHER PRECIOUS DAN AND PHIL BABIES<3<3<3<3<3WE LOVE YOU ALL( BUT NOT AS MUCH AS WE LOVE DAN AND PHIL) WE HOPE YOU CUM AS HARD AND AS MANY TIMES TO THIS AS WE DID ;D;D;D;D;D;DD;D;D;DXDDDDDDDDDDDDD  
> ~~~~~~~~~~Dan and Phil’s Meet Cute at y/n’s FUNeral~~~~~~~~~~~~


End file.
